JOIN US OR DIE

BREAKING NEWS

This just in: non-joiners are still dead.


March 1st, 2011

The Black List

This year’s Black List, the Hollywood guide to the best unproduced screenplays, has been released, and it has revealed some mixed news.

The top script according to the list, which surely signals that the entire list must be worthless, is:

1. The Muppet Man, by Christopher Weekes: “The life and times of the late Jim Henson (pictured), the man behind Sesame Street and The Muppets.”

Upon learning this, Harley P. Mathewson declared Weekes a non-joiner for daring to write a biopic of the ultimate non-joiner Jim Henson, one of Mathewson’s arch enemies.  Still, it remains promising news that the film has not yet been produced.

Mathewson said that he had also written a screenplay–this one was more “true-to-life,” he insisted.  It is titled “The Muppet Douche: The Life and Times of the Probably Homosexual and Certainly Trite, Dishonest and Slimy Jim Henson.”  Mathewson has not found a distributor or producer as of yet, though allegedly he is forming a production company, called J. Duo Films, to be owned by the ominous Doomsday Group.

We will keep all joiners posted with updates on both films.


UPDATE 12/24: Mathewson has said he has retitled his screenplay about Henson.  He is now calling it, “Hands Up Asses: The Jim Henson Story”


Ripley’s Vampire Kits

Some hullabaloo has been recently made on the interwebs about Ripley’s collection of Vampire kits. We at JUOD, given the unclear status of our founder, Harley P. Mathewson (is he or isn’t he an immortal vampire???), noted this trend. Fortunately, our research discovered that, in fact, Mathewson was behind many donations to the collection — he saw it as yet another instance where he could get the kits out of the hands of people who knew how to use them. Another victory for JUOD!


December 11th, 2009

A New Essay Collection Edited by Mathewson

FROM THE RUMORMILL

Apparently Harley P. Mathewson is readying his edition of various essays by joiners, titled “The Not Feeble-Minded: Essays on Joining, Not Joining, Not Not Joining, Pies, Pants, Scottie Pippen and All Other Things Joinish.”  The book supposedly features classic essays from notable proto-joiners, such as Benjamin Franklin, as well as current writers, including a heretofore unpublished piece by David Foster Wallace, titled “Consider Why There Are So Many Feeble Minds,” a work Mathewson calls “provocative.”   Mathewson specifically wanted to say this about the collection: “It’s not for feeble minds.”

Mathewson also sent us his first draft of the Introduction:

“This is a book of essays for the not feeble-minded.  That means it’s not for scholars or little people.  What else am I supposed to say here?  Well how do you turn this damn dictation machine off?  Oh I don’t know.  I clicked that already!  Why won’t it just stop?  Goddammit!”

A Message From Mathewson: Why Not to Go to Comic-Con, or, NO I’m NOT HERE FOR THE TWILIGHT PANEL

The official JUOD blog recently received this e-mail from Join Us Or Die Founder Harley P. Mathewson.  Like most of Mathewson’s official communications to the organization, this was sent at about 4:15 in the morning “during a commercial break on Family Ties,” and was somewhat hard to decipher—the messages, sent from Mathewson’s iPhone, rarely contain proper punctuation and often veer back and forth into New Canadianese.  But, after some efforts in deciphering and cleaning up the message, we have Mathewson’s full report from attending ComicCon.  Let’s just say he wasn’t terribly impressed.  I apologize in advance for the frequent profanity and unpleasantness.

TO ALL JOINERS –
First thing’s first.  If you ever see me at a future Convention of Comics (or whatever it’s called…I usually just referred to it as the “Chronically Undersexed Middle Aged Douchebag Convention Wherein Everybody Gets All Excited About Meaningless Little Shit and Future Shitty Movies and Shitty TV Shows,” but that’s sort of long)—anyway, if you ever see me at one of these conventions, which I guarantee you won’t, DON’T COMPLIMENT ME ON MY COSTUME.  I’m NOT WEARING A F**KING COSTUME.  And secondly, don’t ask me, “SO WHERE IS THE TWILIGHT PANEL?”  Or “SO WHERE IS THE TRUE BLOOD PANEL?”  Because I DON’T KNOW.  I DON’T F**KING KNOW.  I admit to watching some episodes of True Blood, since, as one writer noted, there’s a bunch of fascist undertones to the whole thing (which I approve of greatly), but I couldn’t give a shit about it in the future.  And Twilight, as I’ve tweeted before, is a bag of ass wrapped in another bag of dicks, tied together and then thrown into a manure-carrying semi, which is fording a river of urine.
Anyway, so I spent most of time with the Star Wars nerds, which, let me tell you, was not pleasant.  I lectured them about how in fact I, and not that plagiarizer George “Lord Necky McNoneckerson” Lucas, was the real inventor of Star Wars—I had actually written an epic space opera entitled “Big Fight Amongst the Sparklies.”  (Isn’t that title SO MUCH better?  Ugh.)  Of course, none of these nerds seemed to believe me, so I had to have many of them killed, of course.  Don’t worry though—they’ll end up getting just as much sex dead as they would have otherwise!  Hey-O!
So let me use this time to remind all joiners that there has never been a better time to spread the joining, and, of course, the death.  Especially among these losers.  It’s not like they’re going to be reproducing anyway.
— HPM

August 5th, 2009