JOIN US OR DIE

A Message From Mathewson: Why Not to Go to Comic-Con, or, NO I’m NOT HERE FOR THE TWILIGHT PANEL

The official JUOD blog recently received this e-mail from Join Us Or Die Founder Harley P. Mathewson.  Like most of Mathewson’s official communications to the organization, this was sent at about 4:15 in the morning “during a commercial break on Family Ties,” and was somewhat hard to decipher—the messages, sent from Mathewson’s iPhone, rarely contain proper punctuation and often veer back and forth into New Canadianese.  But, after some efforts in deciphering and cleaning up the message, we have Mathewson’s full report from attending ComicCon.  Let’s just say he wasn’t terribly impressed.  I apologize in advance for the frequent profanity and unpleasantness.

TO ALL JOINERS –
First thing’s first.  If you ever see me at a future Convention of Comics (or whatever it’s called…I usually just referred to it as the “Chronically Undersexed Middle Aged Douchebag Convention Wherein Everybody Gets All Excited About Meaningless Little Shit and Future Shitty Movies and Shitty TV Shows,” but that’s sort of long)—anyway, if you ever see me at one of these conventions, which I guarantee you won’t, DON’T COMPLIMENT ME ON MY COSTUME.  I’m NOT WEARING A F**KING COSTUME.  And secondly, don’t ask me, “SO WHERE IS THE TWILIGHT PANEL?”  Or “SO WHERE IS THE TRUE BLOOD PANEL?”  Because I DON’T KNOW.  I DON’T F**KING KNOW.  I admit to watching some episodes of True Blood, since, as one writer noted, there’s a bunch of fascist undertones to the whole thing (which I approve of greatly), but I couldn’t give a shit about it in the future.  And Twilight, as I’ve tweeted before, is a bag of ass wrapped in another bag of dicks, tied together and then thrown into a manure-carrying semi, which is fording a river of urine.
Anyway, so I spent most of time with the Star Wars nerds, which, let me tell you, was not pleasant.  I lectured them about how in fact I, and not that plagiarizer George “Lord Necky McNoneckerson” Lucas, was the real inventor of Star Wars—I had actually written an epic space opera entitled “Big Fight Amongst the Sparklies.”  (Isn’t that title SO MUCH better?  Ugh.)  Of course, none of these nerds seemed to believe me, so I had to have many of them killed, of course.  Don’t worry though—they’ll end up getting just as much sex dead as they would have otherwise!  Hey-O!
So let me use this time to remind all joiners that there has never been a better time to spread the joining, and, of course, the death.  Especially among these losers.  It’s not like they’re going to be reproducing anyway.
— HPM

August 5th, 2009