JOIN US OR DIE

Joiners in Space

NASA is sending digital signatures to Mars (I’m not interested in Saturn) with its next rover! Be sure to join and sign your name here. HPM obviously didn’t need to sign since he’s no doubt already been to Mars (via bubble travel) but it looks like he just couldn’t resist joining. I think he may have some difficulty coming to terms as being a “part of history.”


Please Stop, the Vampires are Starving.

Recently, I became aware that one of my wife’s friends is doing the Master Cleanse crash diet. For those of you too lazy to click the link, the diet consists of consuming nothing but lemonade fortified with maple syrup and Cayenne pepper for a minimum of ten days in order to flush out all the toxins in your body. Right, I know you know this is retarded. As you anyone would guess this experience is probably not a fun one on account of the starvation. My wife’s friend apparently feels terrible and her boyfriend, who she is forcing to do the diet as well, had to call in sick to work because he couldn’t leave the bathroom.

It’s fact that many lives have been needlessly lost because the dieters’ blood is not suitable for vampires. Harley P. Mathewson once commented on the diet saying, “If I taste maple syrup in their veins only one of two things can be true: they’re either on the Master Cleanse diet, in which case I might as well be drinking sugar water, or they’re Belgian, in which case yuck.” Belgians, it seems, have common sense.

What’s really been interesting though is the “reasearch” that’s been done trying to prove the diet actually works. By “research” I obviously mean the most commonly accepted form of evidence in the scientific and medical community: personal testimony from people who have completed the diet and don’t want to damage their egos.  Here is an example of comments to an article on the dangers of Master Cleanse. This just may inspire HPM himself to start trolling for your amusement, I’ll keep you updated. Although there are many highlights, this pretty much sums up the collective knowledge of this group:

16. the salt water flush kel Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 09:06 AM
am really interested in doing this but i dont understand how much a quart of water is. may sound silly!! could someone tell me please?

Remember people, if you’re an idiot you probably shouldn’t get advice from the Internet.


Reader Question

A recent question from a JUOD Blog reader:


From: XXXXXXXX@gmail.com Subject: Join Us or Die Date: April 17, 2009 3:34:19 PM CDT To: hpmathewson@gmail.com

Hey, I liked the site. But I’m not sure about this whole joining thing. What if I don’t join?

-XXXXXXXX

Instead of responding to this email, supposedly–supposedly–Mathewson just tracked down and killed the man. Come on, people.


April 22nd, 2009

Can Joining Really Be THAT Easy?

Another joinish movement arrives:

Say Hebbo! from Torvakian on Vimeo.

Although I appreciate the efforts that the Tarvuists are making to get people to join, they fail to mention the consequences of not joining. This exclusion makes me wonder if they are even aware that there really is no choice but to join. Only through fear will the masses truly know that they must join and thus not die (except maybe on opposite day). As it has always been, joining is in your hands.


March 26th, 2009

It’s Spring, So Fall Back

Many of you probably experiencing the pure horribleness that is the “spring ahead” movement of clocks via the hated Daylight Savings Time.  Well, Harley P. Mathewson feels your pain.

According to Time Travel Theory, in the future Mathewson will found a joiner utopia, having become fed up with the non-joiners of the world, called AWESOMELANDIA.  While the utopia will feature much arbitrariness, including drunken wizard-judges, Mathewson’s abolishing of Daylight Savings Time perhaps ranks as the best.

Although, to be clear, Mathewson did not abolish it completely.  Rather, appreciating “fall back” while disdaining “spring ahead,” Mathewson abolished the latter while keeping the former.  Thus, eventually, the entire civilization’s clocks fail to reflect night and day anymore.  Mathewson will stir some controversy over his advertisements regarding this process, which many will find very offensive.  Some scholars argue that in preparation for that Mathewson, purportedly, is behind the recent “tiny farmer” Burger Kings Breakfast Shooter ads.


March 9th, 2009