AWESOMELANDIA
From JUOD
AWESOMELANDIA, or The Awesome Land of Awesome is a future civilization and joiner utopia centered in the island of Bermuda, supposedly founded by Harley P. Mathewson after becoming fed up with the immense amount of feeble minds in the world. Not much is known about it, as of course it has not even been started yet, but some information has leaked from trips the future Mathewson has taken to the past (according to Time Travel Theory), or in inchoate plans from the present Mathewson, or from parts of Volume XXXIII of The Verities of Joining, To Infinity, and Beyond. The attempt eventually fails, and Mathewson decides to sink the civilization into the sea.
Contents |
Location
AWESOMELANDIA supposedly comprises a large superstructure connected with and laid on top of parts of the island of Bermuda. Presumably Mathewson chose the location after venturing around the island and in the Bermuda Triangle with the sea monster Leviathan, recounted in Part I of The Leviathan Chronicles. Mathewson also wanted an isolated location so as to ensure that "the truly feeble minds could be separated from the not so feeble ones. And in case that wasn't clear to anybody, by 'separate,' I mean kill."
Organization
AWESOMELANDIANVILLE CITY, D.A.
AWESOMELANDIANVILLE CITY, DISTRICT OF AWESOME is capital of AWESOMELANDIA and the center of the government, except for the judicial system, which comprises part of the floating THUNDERDOME. The capital city is the general locus of joining, or Jordan, and features sand volleyball courts on each street corner.
THUNDERDOME
One significant part of AWESOMELANDIA is its traveling death cage/amusement park, THUNDERDOME. The scant few non-joiners brought into AWESOMELANDIA fight to the death here, on top of motorcycles, with the only brass knuckles allowed as a weapon (though annually Mathewson has permitted javelins to be used instead, for the "AWESOMELANDIA Tournament of Champions," where the eventual winner must fight Mathewson, who supposedly sits atop one of his Lavotian Spawn motorcycles and always wins). The THUNDERDOME also serves as the headquarters for the utopia's judicial system, and features the supreme judicial body, OUR COURT IS AN AWESOME COURT.
Aspects of the Civilization
Culture
The culture of AWESOMELANDIA is at once both awesome and joinish. The only restaurant on the island is Hut O' Awesome, which features entertainment from Awesome McBear.
Citizenship Requirements
- A Joiner
- At least a 7.0 on the hotness scale (only applied to women)
- At least 5'8" tall (only applied to men)
- A BMI under 30
- No current academic appointment or paper published in any peer-reviewed journal
Legal System
Besides containing projections for AWESOMELANDIAN, the last book of TVOJ, To Infinity, and Beyond, contains the AWESOMELANDIAN Constitution, with later additions (in the form of attached sticky notes) adapted from principles contained in his 2008 presidential campaign. The volume also contains more detailed legal procedures and court rules in poetic and pictorial form. Mathewson, apparently, grew tired of writing a lengthy administrative code.
According to the AWESOMELANDIAN Constitution and notes, the short and morbidly obese possess no rights. Though since of course these people were never invited to the island to begin with, the Constitution contains many, many superfluous provisions with elaborate and cruel procedures and punishments. Mathewson ostensibly incorporated much of his stint as a Magician-Lawyer into the document's provisions for legal proceedings, requiring all AWESOMELANDIAN attorneys to dress in purple tuxedos and perform magic tricks in order to get motions heard by the AWESOMELANDIAN judges. The judges are called "Wise Wizards," and are mandated to be consistently intoxicated; at the beginning of all proceedings, they must declare, out loud: "Hear ye, hear ye. This court of AWESOMLANDIA presides to adjuodicate all claims," Thanks to much hilariousness these provisions offer, trial proceedings have become the second national pastime, after women's beach volleyball.
Future scholars have guessed that the location of THUNDERDOME for OUR COURT IS AN AWESOME COURT, separate from the rest of AWESOMELANDIAN government, was modeled after Germany. As the Constitutional Court in Germany is in Karlsruhe, while the capital is in Berlin, thus somewhat limiting the confluence of the branches, Mathewson decided it would be best to isolate the court on a floating island in order to ensure legal proceedings would never "vacillate into too much mercy."
Olympic Team
Mathewson has, by decree, mandated that all women in AWESOMELANDIA participate in the most "awesome" of sports, beach volleyball. since all women in the country are beautiful (another Mathewson mandate), it is a significant pastime for all AWESOMELANDIANS to watch.
Additionally, Mathewson has forbidden any AWESOMELANDIAN from participating in any subjective Olympic sport. In fact, it is punishable by death to participate in the international versions of these games. However, according to Mathewson, these "athletes" are not forbidden from his paradise, but are rather encouraged to continue their sport following the AWESOMELANDIAN rules. For example in men's gymnastics, the high bar is not an event where gymnasts perform acrobatics, but rather, spin as many times around before vomiting. Releasing from the bar before vomiting is considered a capital offense.
There is evidence from To Infinity, and Beyond to believe that, some time in the 24th century, Mathewson attempts to assemble an Olympic basketball team solely consisting of future and past versions of himself. However, it is recorded in TVOJ that, strangely, only the Mathewson from the present actually arrived for the qualifying game. When asked later why his other selves did not appear for the game, he replied, "Why is this not clear to your feeble mind? Really? Isn't it obvious?" When the reporter responded that maybe time travel is an impossibility, Mathewson said, " 'Isn't it because time travel is impossible?' Ha! So feeble minded of you, journalist. I expect as much. No! Clearly I know the outcome of this morning's drug test in the future. Thus I did not feel it necessary to waste my time five times. So guess I failed. I doped the shit out of this game." Reportedly, the other Mathewsons had doped not with any performance supplement, but with the blood of former Olympic champion Carl Lewis.
National Anthem
Sung to the tune of "O Canada":
AWESOMELANDIA,
Our home and deathless land,
Join us or die is our only command
Without feeble minds we won't die
In Bermuda with Harley!
From far and wide,
AWESOMELANDIA, we stand on guard for thee.
AWESOMELANDIA, we stand on guard for thee.
AWESOMELANDIA, we stand on guard for thee.
AWESOMELANDIA, we stand on guard for thee.
Daylight Savings Time
Mathewson had long despised Daylight Savings Time, claiming that "Spring ahead is bullshit." Thus he proclaimed that instead of never observing Daylight Savings Time, AWESOMELANDIANS would always set their clocks back one hour in both the spring and the fall. "COME THIS SPRING," one advertisement read, "FALL BACK!" One poster showed a munchkin being pushed off the top of a tall building by a group of joiners; another showed a munchkin walking a plank being forced off into a sea full of sharks. Mathewson also ran several commercials showing various morbidly obese or little people attempting to engage in the typical trust falls, only to have their trusted companions turning their backs and letting them fall -- usually to loud laughter. The voice over then repeated the "This Spring, Fall back" slogan.
Additionally, AWESOMELANDIA operates on a 12-hour time schedule. Scholars have disputed why this would be. Several point to Mathewson's being in immortal vampire, and hating daylight, while others suggest that it's to compensate for all the fall back-ing.
Sinking
Although not much is known about the inevitable sinking of AWESOMELANDIA, scholars have been able to ascertain that the likely downfall of the island nation was a result of Harley P. Mathewson's policy toward government workers. AWESOMELANDIA's totalitarian regime had a high requirement for the number of government employees to sustain a joinish society. Because of the non-joinish nature of government workers, Mathewson frequently purged the regime of its employees. This caused an employment gap that Mathewson filled by holding a lottery. Consequently, after 7,583 days, AWESOMELANDIA's population was down to Mathewson alone. Scholars, following Mathewson's Blunt Surface, surmise that he deliberately sunk AWESOMELANDIA to hide his failure.
