Awesome McBear
From JUOD
Awesome McBear is the official centerpiece and entertainment for the Hut O' Awesome restaurants first founded by Harley P. Mathewson in 2008, and then again in the future as the only restaurant of AWESOMELANDIA, the joiner utopia. McBear was a born black bear, unusually large for his species, until later receiving a number of enhancements and surgeries at the hands of Mathewson to transform him into a Grizzly killing machine. However, some scholars argue that Awesome McBear is actually several different bears, and the black bear Mathewson supposedly found was a different bear from the current one. Mathewson has also claimed that McBear also received some futuristic treatment enabling him to have an eternal, bloodthirsty life, as the JUOD founder's favorite animal joiner. At the restaurant, as the meal's entertainment McBear is pitted against a lowly deer. To date, McBear is approximately 937-0. It is unknown how many times he will kill again in the future.
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Mathewson's Discovery
Sometime in the early 1980s Mathewson discovered the bear during a camping trip to Yellowstone National Park. By chance, Mathewson noticed a photographer snapping off shots of an agitated mother black bear. Curious to see whether the photographer was going to be killed—he couldn't miss such fun, he said—he followed the photograph in a bubble high overhead. The mother bear did indeed attack, but the photographer eluded her. Disappointed, Mathewson was about to head back to his campsite when another black bear, this one significantly bigger, dropped out of the tree on top of the photographer and mauled him to death. Mathewson thought it was so hilarious that he swooped in for a closer look, dropping out of his bubble. Noting the bear's awesomeness and prowess, he immediately dubbed it "Awesome McBear" and declared it a joiner. The bear, apparently finding a kindred, murderous spirit, quickly took a liking to Mathewson. Together they absconded out of the park, and the bear followed Mathewson almost everywhere, helping dispatch with a number of non-joiners throughout the early 1980s. Mathewson and the bear enjoyed a number of practical jokes, often having violent ends, including dressing up the bear in a tie and hat and having it steal many picnic baskets. At first the picnicking people thought it was amusing, until McBear took several arms still attached to the baskets. Mathewson posthumously declared them non-joiners, saying the bear "wouldn't have mauled a joiner."
As it turned out, the bear had not spent its entire life in Yellowstone. McBear had spent some time as a premier jockey, even competing in a few races when he was under the tutelage of Lucien Laurin, a notable horse trainer, with the goal, Laurin later said, of eventually riding thoroughbreds (some scholars have argued that McBear was the original choice to ride the Laurin-trained Secretariat; interestingly enough, several scholars have made the connection between Secretariat's sire Bold Ruler, on whom Mathewson made a bunch of money earlier, and claim that Mathewson's story about finding the bear was made up--he in fact had overseen the bear from the beginning). However, because of his bear-ness, McBear was not allowed to race. Distraught, he abandoned horseracing to live in Yellowstone.
The First Kills
Though he had a strong inclination that the newly dubbed "Awesome McBear" was the ferocious killing machine he hoped it to be, Mathewson was not sure until the two stumbled upon a group of traveling gypsies in Europe (no one is quite sure why they had crossed the ocean, though the picture of Mathewson and McBear atop the Leviathan has inspired several works of modern art). According to eyewitness accounts, one of the gypsies, familiar with bears herself, approached Mathewson and McBear trying to sell them a broken pinball machine and a "magical healing tonic," regaling them with stories of her days working at a circus with a bear that could ride a motorcycle. Immediately McBear started growling. Mathewson told her they were not interested in any of her products, especially not the healing tonic, since he was immortal and "for all practical purposes the bear was too." But she was insistent. In a somewhat unusual show of patience and kindness, Mathewson only asked the bear to rip off one of her arms. After this, though, McBear was not content to stop ("he got that taste for blood," Mathewson has said, wistfully), and ended up running about the gypsy camp, mauling and destroying everything in sight. The only surviving gypsy, the (now) one-armed woman, has sworn revenge, and has subsequently become a founding member of PUTA (People for the Unethical Treatment of Animals), a subset of PETA that declares Awesome McBear to be an animal worthy of "unethical" treatment.
Early Acting Career
While Mathewson and McBear were vacationing in Yosemite National park one day, a Hollywood producer, who was also on vacation, noticed how well trained the bear seemed with his owner. He approached Mathewson and the bear, and offered McBear a part on a live action version of "Yogi the Bear." Mathewson, a longtime fan of the cartoon, encouraged his companion to take it. When the producer offered, as payment, all the live deer that McBear could maul, the bear growled in assent as well.
The gig was short-lived, however. Once in the studio, McBear refused to wear the hat and tie that distinguished Yogi from other bears, claiming it was "growlgrowlinggrowl" (which Mathewson translated as "fucking re-goddamn-diculous"). When the producers insisted, the standoff was, predictably, bloody. One producer had both his severed arms and the purported tie shoved down his throat. Mathewson has since said that "was the funniest goddamn thing I've ever seen."
At Hut O' Awesome
In AWESOMELANDIA
Ongoing Controversy
Because of his fame, renown, killing, and connection to Mathewson, McBear has inspired, like his owner, much controversy in the JUOD Movement, and much fame and veneration among other groups.
Multi-Bear Theory v. Single Bear Theory
Scholars have often debated whether in fact Awesome McBear is a single bear, believing Mathewson's chronology and extreme claims to plastic surgery, genetic modification, and fur coloring, while others have argued that the changes in Awesome McBear's appearance mean that in fact there must have been many different bears dubbed "Awesome McBear." Mathewson, of course, derides these scholars, saying, "Oh sure, they think the simplest explanation is the right one, just like that fag William of Ockham. Guess everything seems simple when you're doing dudes all the time. And when you're feeble minded."
Awesome McTime Travel Theory
Sometime in 1990 after a viewing of a Back to the Future movie marathon, Mathewson and McBear got into a heated debate about the morality of time traveling. Mathewson, citing Bubble Bursting, argued that time travel should only be attempted by those with a joinish heart, a non-feeble mind, a taste for blood, and an immortal soul. He contended that lesser beings would undoubtedly alter the course of history so much in their travels that they may inadvertently ruin all of their time travelling stories or destroy their very existence. McBear countered that one could overcome a deficiency in any of these qualities by grossly overcompensating in another. His unquenchable blood thirst was more than enough to make up for his near-immortality. They agreed that the only way to settle this debate was through careful, anecdotal evidence.
Mathewson took McBear on a backpacking trip through time, carefully instructing the bear on what he could and could not devour with abandon so as to not accidentally kill off his ancestors. It is thought that during this trip, Awesome McBear acquired several robotic heads from the future, which he frequently used to devour mastodons, tyrannosaurs, and velocideer. After a year of travelling, Mathewson finally revealed the secrets of time travel to McBear.
McBear's time machine manifested itself as a giant asteroid. Unable to contain his hunger, he first traveled back to the Cretaceous period to enjoy his favorite snack of tyrannosaurus rex, triceratops, tyrannosaurus rex sandwich. Unfortunately the impact of his time traveling asteroid killed off the most dominant (and delicious) species causing them to go extinct millions of years early. Shortly thereafter, Mathewson appeared and chastised the bear explaining that he was very fortunate that he did not significantly change his future and that unless he wanted to make all of his favorite foods extinct (or himself), he should limit his travels to the distant future. McBear protested, swearing he'd be more careful in the "future". Mathewson warned, "Look, this isn't the first time I've seen this happen to a friend. You thought you were my first? Ha! You can take that up with Awesome McTrilobite (what a douche), oh wait, no you can't because he extincted himself. Don't be a McTrilobite, McBear. Oh, and by the way, for some strange reason the humans still think they were around at the same time as the dinosaurs, so way to go on that one."
Afterwards McBear kept his time travel to the distant future, slowly eating his way back from the end of time during the winters of the present.
The Utes
Curiously, several current members of the Ute American Indian Tribe regard Awesome McBear as the embodiment of one of their mythologized and bear-spirits. According to Ute Mythology, the bear-spirits occasionally descend to earth from the heavens for killing sprees, only to be eventually stopped by their ancient hero. Some modern Utes think Awesome McBear is in fact a bear-spirit, and that he will soon complete his murderous ways. Several Utes have claimed that they were the ancient hero, meant to return the evil bear-spirit to the heavens. They have all died.
In the Rap Community
Awesome McBear has inspired much admiration in the gangsta rap community, mostly because of his killing and general baddassness. Lil' Wayne has expressed interest in making an album with some of the bear's grunts and sounds from his killings at Hut O' Awesome, while the upcoming Young Jeezy album features a song called "Awesome McMotherfuckingBear." The least profane sample from the lyrics:
So I was fuckin' two bitches in the butt
On the fuckin' way back from the Awesome Hut
They got all hot after seeing McBear
Fuck up some motherfuckers with just his stare
And they said, Jeezy, pleezy, fuck us easy
The whole fuckin' time they was thinkin' of Awesome
But I didn't give a fuck, 'cause I was saucin' em
Awesome McBear, Awesome McBear
Fucks up motherfuckers with just his stare
Awesome McBear, Awesome McBear
Motherfuckin' deer don't have a prayer
Awesome McBear in all his glory on the cover of the Cabela's Dangerous Hunts 2009 Videogame.Well I roll on back to the A-B place
My bitches roll up and I claw 'em in the face
they say, "Hey there Awesome don't you do us wrong"
I say, "Hey there bitches take a look at my dong"
So that's when the party really gets started
We all take E till we're god damn Retarded
And then came the double team team, you know I was ready
Yo Awesome McBear man, I fuck hard and steady
Awesome McBear, Awesome McBear
I fuck up motherfuckers with just my stare
Awesome McBear, Awesome McBear
Motherfuckin' deer don't have a prayer
Videogame
Awesome McBear has been featured in a new videogame, Cabela's Dangerous Hunts 2009. Many gamers have complained, however, as the final boss, Awesome McBear himself (pictured on the cover) is impossible to beat, much like Jaws was in the original Jaws Nintendo game. When told this, Mathewson simply responded that it was "realistic."
