Doomsday Group

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The ominous Doomsday Group is a large multinational umbrella corporation that has holdings across the United States, Europe, and Asia. Registered in Delaware and chaired by Harley P. Mathewson, it is extremely controversial for its recent acquisitions of arms, high tech and gun manufacturers. To note, it is often mistaken for a doomsday cult—a perception unfortunately aggravated when the corporation briefly attempted to institute a uniform policy in the late 1980s.

Structure

Formation

The Doomsday Group was original two separate corporations: DOOM Inc. merged in the 1984 with the Day Corporation, in a merger fiercely contested by the U.S. DOJ. DOOM, Inc. was a very mysterious and small US-based organization, which slowly acquired holdings in various organizations, ominously investing heavily in IBM and Apple before selling their shares at incredible profits. Day had funded international development, foreign aid, and world food programs, making money from the sale of Chia Pets and investment in Nintendo. Through the DOJ merger, oddly, most of Day's holdings were divested as conditions, while DOOM retained much of its assets. Past board members include Donald Rumsfeld and Warren Christopher.

Board of Directors

The current board of the Doomsday Group is comprised of:

  • Harley P. Mathewson
  • Donald Trump
  • investor George Soros
  • M.C. Hammer
  • former Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings
  • Bank of America CEO Bryan Moynihan
  • Raytheon CEO William H. Swanson
  • former U.S. Senator Evan Bayh
  • entrepreneur Peter Thiel
  • Tori Spelling

    Recent Controversies

    "Teh Corporation" Memo

    In 2007 the Doomsday Group instituted a new corporate policy that caused almost as much controversy as its brief uniform policy. Doomsday Group Memo #45609, allegedly written by Mathewson himself, directed all public information officers of the company, as well as all employees in their conduct with outsiders:

    TO: All Employees
    FROM: You Know Who
    RE: Conduct with Outsiders
    DATE: Today

    To all employees:

    Make sure, above all else, to never acknowledge a mistake of teh corporation. Never. Never. Eveer.

    Sincerely,
    I Already Told You Who This Was From

    Unfortunately, besides the ironic error in this document, this memo was also followed up by a massive failure of one of the Doomsday Group's subsidiaries' rockets, causing the death of 250 workers at a plant in North Carolina. Being frequently questioned about this, the PR department refused to acknowledge any mistake of manufacturing or oversight. This slip-up eventually contributed to a massive tort liability of $250 million.

    Sleepytime Baby Monitors Debacle

    By far the worst mistake, however, occurred when a shipment of hand grenades were accidentally packaged as Sleepytime Baby Monitors. What was worse: the subsidiary had been developing baby-monitor disguised hand grenades for use by the US government in "killing baby terrorists." Again, the corporation refused to acknowledge any error, and after the accidental detonation of one such baby-monitor/grenade at a nursery in Alabama, the corporation saw another giant lawsuit.

    B&W Advertisement Issues

    In 2011, the Doomsday Group attracted a considerable amount of negative press and attention for a series of advertisements for a subsidiary, Black & White Business Solutions, Inc. B&W Solutions, as it is more commonly known, is a business consulting firm that aims to "streamline corporation accountability and management." After a series of advertisements on BET and and NBC, much ire was raised. Each advertisement featured a single bumbling employee -- who was always African-American -- raising the consternation of his boss -- always an older white man -- in some hilarious business gaffe, such as when the African-American employee accidentally hit REPLY-ALL to one sensitive email. After the African-American employee goofed, the tagline -- "Corporate Hierarchy -- It's easy as black and white" -- appeared. A few weeks after the campaign started, the Rainbow/Push Coalition and NAACP issued press releases denouncing the campaign. B&W's CEO, Allen White, who, of course, was white, dismissed the issues. "It's just black humor," he said, apparently unaware of the irony. Massive boycotts followed.

    Advertising

    The corporation advertises exclusively on PBS. The group mostly advertises on the Newshour, but has stirred up some controversy for running a series of voice-over sponsorships for Barney & Friends and Sesame Street ("THE NUMBER SEVEN IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE DOOMSDAY GROUP, WHOSE WEAPONS HAVE LED TO THE DEATHS OF 7 SUSPECTED TERRORISTS AND WHO BELIEVES WE ONLY HAVE SEVEN YEARS LEFT OF PEACE," for example). Parents' groups ultimately protested at the PBS headquarters and sent a large letter-writing campaign to Congress, forcing the Corporation for Public Broadcasting to refuse Doomsday dollars in its morning programming.

    Holdings

    Arms/Technology

    • Lockheed Martin
    • Sig Sauer
    • Smith & Wesson
    • Raytheon
    • Finmeccanica
    • SkySeine, Inc.

    Other