Featured article archives
From JUOD
May 2009
Harley Phillips Mathewson, Jr. (c. 1867 – The End of Time) is best known for being the first joiner, as well as the first non-joiner. He is the only known person to not join and not die.
Mathewson is famous for authoring The Verities of Joining, a series of poetic novellas. He is also the central figure of most denominations of the Mathewsonist religion. Mathewson has the highest Joining Index ever recorded: +4.9. He speaks seven languages, his mother tongue being Upper Prussian—six of which he invented himself, including the infamous New Canadianese. Though an exact photograph of him has never been produced, as any shots of him end up with a blank spot where he should have been, his exact physical features are a source of controversy. What is known is that he stands approximately 7'6" tall with a slender build and dark, jet-black hair. Some say his skin has a bit of a bluish tone, as the artist's rendition to the right, while others suggest his skin is more sallow. Many scholars have often debated whether he is an immortal vampire.
He often faces criticism over his arbitrary and capricious moods and decisions--criticism which he responds to by killing whoever spoke ill of him, or, in lieu of that, killing a random scholar. Mathewson has repeatedly emphasized his disdain for scholars, little people, and the morbidly obese. (more...)
June 2009
Franklin Hergort (November 20, 1867 - Present) is the founder of one of the primary sects of Mathewsonism, Joino-Mathewsonism. Hergort has embraced evangelical and media-related methods of bringing members into the Church of Mathewson. Often, however, his methods have come into conflict with Harley P. Mathewson himself because of the message of forgiveness and redemption associated with Hergort's brand of the faith. (more...)
July 2009
The Verities of Joining are a series of poetic novellas written by Harley P. Mathewson. The full name of the series is:
The Verities of Joining: Figures & Texts Concerning & Relating the Awful Consequences, Both Untimely & Unfortunate, of a Death Most Obscene & Obscure, as a Result of Not Joining & of Ignoring & Disregarding the Verities of Joining(more...)
August 2009
New Canadianese is a language invented by Harley P. Mathewson, most likely sometime during his time with J.R.R. Tolkien at Oxford. Since, presumably, few actually speak the language (or, as Mathewson claims, there are only few on the planet "without feeble minds"), its definitive structure is unknown.
There are some definitive known rules of the language, however, which have mostly been culled from performances of Big Fight Amongst the Sparklies:
- The language contains no two words meaning the same thing. Thus, unlike many other world languages, there are very few homonyms—the only ones being words that are pronounced similary but orthographically different. Mathewson has been a quest, however, to have them stricken from the language.
- Further, there are no tenses, but rather new words for each tense. An example: the New Candianese conjugation (if one may call it that) for the verb "to have" involves some 12 different words (thus, for "I have" or "she had" or "they will have" requires a completely new word). Each is unrelated in spelling and wholly unlike others of the same root.
- Like Latin, New Canadianese' nouns, adjectives and adverbs are all declined according to their grammatical function in the sentence. Unlike like Latin, however, there is no standard formula or method for ascertaining these declensions—instead, whole new forms of each word is used according to sentence. (more...)
