Golfers

From JUOD

Those who who practice and play the sport of golf have long been known skillful tacticians of their craft. What they have not been known as however, are supreme athletes. Some would say this reputation was cemented in 1986 when an aging Jack Nicklaus won The Masters at 46. The most prominent example though comes from the dilapidated golfing pro John Daly, one of ther most slovenly specimens ever to engage in professional sports competition. The story behind this man is what has lead to the imminent death of golfers everywhere.

In the Spring of 1982, at age 16, Daly was playing a strenuous round of golf in his home town of Carmichael, California. What few know though is that at this time Daly was one of the best high school swimmers in America, a toned athlete in his prime. The round was grueling only because it was his 13th in row, as Daly was trying to win a bet with a golfer friend of his that said he could not face the "athletic" challenge of completing 15 straight games. Little did the golfer friend know that this game would cost him not only 2 cases of Bud Heavy, but his life. Daly approached the 11th hole and teed off from the back tees, hitting a strong slice into the rough. Unfortunately for Daly, standing in that long grass was Harley P. Mathewson, who was choosing a humorous spot to bury his former friend Jim Henson. Daly's ball struck Mathewson, enraging him. Mathewson demanded an explanation, but was unsatisfied by Daly's attempt to calm him with random quotes from Caddyshack. Mathewson declared not only Daly a non-joiner, but golfers everywhere.

Since the incident, Daly has literally been staring death in the face. Fear and depression led him to abandon his swimming career and to begin drinking. Alcoholism was a later result. Daly is still competitive though, and ironically took up a sport more suited to his deteriorating physical state, golf.

Two related notes: JUOD theorists are still looking into the death of Tiger Woods' father as a possible offshoot of Woods' uncommonly strong golfing skills. Additionally, it has been thus far proven with 99% accuracy that those who have watched the movie Caddyshack more than 8 times suffer non-joiner induced death regardless of their status as a golfer.