Harley P. Mathewson presidential campaign, 2008

From JUOD

For Harley P. Mathewson's current Presidential Campaign, see the 2012 Campaign Page.

Mathewson's terrifying campaign logo

An alternative campaign logo

Harley P. Mathewson announced on January 29, 2008 that he would seek the presidency of the United States of America under the Fascist Party. The Fascist Party has yet to officially endorse this claim, but one party official did say that Mathewson's "not dying" was particularly appealing to a party that valued "everlasting, tyrannical rule." His three campaign pillars are terror, strength and immortality. Mathewson was eventually defeated by Barack Obama. However, Mathewson's run—and his popularity among some key vampire-loving constituencies—may have earned him a spot in a "team of rivals" cabinet.

Announcement

Mathewson's campaign announcement for the presidency, which inexplicably occurred in Canada, was covered by a small weekly Ontario newspaper. After discussing his mumblings in what appeared to be an "unknown language," the paper quoted the final part of his speech, which seemed coherent:

After the speech a reporter asked him what qualities he possessed that no other candidate did. Mathewson quickly rejoined "immortality." He is not known to have any prior political experience, save for his brief stint advising Herbert Hoover during the Great Depression. He did claim, however, to assist in the extradition of of Manuel Noriega, though only because he "wasn't tyrannical enough."

On the Issues

• Terrorism: Mathewson said he supports it, but only in cases where "the feeble-minded are persecuted for their feeble minds." His foreign policy would include a lot of nation-building, especially turning the "Euro-wienies" back to "the real government of Franco, Napoleon, Hitler, Mussolini, and, my particular favorite, Kaiser Wilhelm the Second."
• Abortion: Fetuses, because of their lack of development, have the most feeble minds of all, according to Mathewson. Thus he doesn't mind if they are aborted. He refuses to describe himself as "Pro-Choice," saying he only supports one choice: joining or dying.
• Space Travel: Mathewson would triple the funding of NASA, with hopes that building an more robust, and armed, International Space Station could "assert tyranny around the universe." He also supports the building of Stargates and a "Galactic Fleet," which would be the jewel of a new branch of the military, The Space Force.
• Gay Marriage: Mathewson supports the marriage of homosexuals "to the guillotine" (which he usually follows with a hearty laugh). He deems homosexuals to be too "Jim Henson-like" to merit any substantive rights such as marriage, usually at the same time deriding William of Ockham to baffled crowds. Parodoxically, however, when asked about his support for same-sex adoption rights, Mathewson endorsed the idea heartily. "What on earth could be wrong with that?" he asked rhetorically.
• Energy: Mathewson's plan for ridding dependence on foreign oil by forced liposuction of the morbidly obese to be used in fueling cars. He greatly opposes any efforts at increasing the spread of solar power, preferring research into crystal energy sources ("Like Atlantis," he says).
• Education: Mathewson would propose a "Feeble Minds are Left Behind" Bill, which would remove all funding for remedial or special education programs, as well as any financial support for inner-city schools. This is the centerpiece of his campaign, and his plan to balance the federal budget.
• Foreign Policy: Mathewson has only said he would "follow the mandates of Otto Von Bismarck."
• Technology: Mathewson has repeatedly called for "increased broadband penetration," though he has not additionally mentioned anything more, usually barely able to finish that policy goal without laughing.
• Health Care: Mathewson has not given any health care plans. When, during a campaign stop at an blood bank in Philadelphia, a man asked him about universal health care, Mathewson reiterated he had no plans for reforming the system. "Just join," he said. "Or, ummm, let's see, what was it? The opposite of joining? Hmmmm. Oh yes." He then killed the man where he stood. He told the rest of the stunned crowd that he'd never been to a hospital before, and if the rest of them wanted to feel better they should just become immortal vampires.
• Taxes: At a recently rally, Mathewson extolled his tax policy. "I'm not going to raise taxes. In fact 95% of you will have tax increases, if you fall in the top 20% bracket as long as your small business garners $250,000 a year from gross income reduced after previous taxes from the last year, but if that number is less than the annual tax rate of inflation-adjusted rates during the first fiscal year of the Clinton Administration, your taxes will be adjusted a small 5% way as long as your bottom 20% income as examined by a random assortment of IRS documents insists that you fall in the middle class." No one has understood what any of this means.

Funding

The source for Mathewson's campaign war chest has been claimed to a treasure chest--rather, the mysterious treasure supposedly provides much of the funds needed for Mathewson's campaigning (though some proponents of Time Travel Theory have argued otherwise). Mathewson, of course, does not need to pay for transportation, as he merely uses his combination of Bubble Travel, monsters, and time travel to get around.

Several commentators have criticized FEC filings, however, as Mathewson received money from one Virginia PAC, the Fascist Loving American Vampires Of Richmond, or FLAVOR, and from the ominous Doomsday Group, a corporation he chairs. Many of the donations also came from businesses with ties to TDG.

Press Access

The lack of news media accompanying him has caused some controversy over the secrecy of the campaign. Mathewson issued a press release chalking up the lack of access to lawsuits regarding the disappearance of two Fox News correspondents during a trip from Virgina Beach to Charleston, South Carolina. The press group had reportedly traveled with Mathewson on the back of his sea monster, Leviathan. The press release said nothing about the fate of the correspondents, but noted that "it was better for everyone if I was alone with only my campaign staff on these journeys. My time gets eaten up as is. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

Some have also criticized Mathewson for the behavior of some of his supporters after rallies. For example, two Mathewson supporters in Littleton, Colorado (wearing VOTE FOR TERROR t-shirts) went on a verbal tirade about the morbidly obese and then led a mob to a Ben and Jerry's, searching for some overweight victims. When asked about this, Mathewson quipped, "Listen, I have bigger problems to deal with. Though not much bigger! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

Connection with Hergort

Mathewson has recently come under fire for his personal connections with Franklin Hergort, founder of Joino-Mathewsonism. Hergort has repeatedly been investigated for inappropriate conduct with children, and is currently being investigated by the Denver Police in connection with the JonBenet Ramsey murder. One commentator, Cal Hanson, accused Mathewson of "palling around with pedophiles." When asked about this, Mathewson retorted. "Oh, did Cal Hanson at the Times say that? Cause he's the child molester. Huge one. I know him quite well."

Running Mate

During the campaign, many names were bandied about as possible running mates. Among the JUOD community, at least those who believe in Time Travel Theory, many names from the past were suggested, including several proto-joiners. It seemed most likely Mathewson would choose Benjamin Franklin, because of his prior political experience—yet Franklin was notably in favor of democracy, something Mathewson despises. His frequent mentions of many dead European dictators seemed to be potential candidates as well. Walt Disney, too, was mentioned.

For those in the JUOD community who do not subscribe to Time Travel Theory, many names of those with strong fascist sympathies were passed around. Some names mentioned: Jerry Falwell, Hillary Clinton, Jim Dobson and Dick Cheney. His former time-traveling companion Huey Lewis has also come up, but Lewis was already tied up as a VP candidate with Babylonian god Marduk.

Eventually, after John McCain's pick of Sarah Palin as his running mate, and her subsequent poor performances, Mathewson said he needed no running mate. "And certainly not," he said, "someone who doesn't appear competent enough to make a good pie, let alone ensure that all dissenters and non-joiners are swiftly met with death." Rumors have circulated, however, that Mathewson asked Hillary Clinton, who declined. Mathewson has denied this, though he also recently declared Clinton a non-joiner.

Perhaps with no one competent or bloodthirsty enough to run with, Mathewson officially decided to run with himself as his own running mate. When asked for clarification on how this would be possible, Mathewson explained that he'd time travel 4 years into the future (at which point he would be just finishing his first term as president), and bring that version of himself back to serve as his running mate. The future version of himself would have the perfect amount of experience for this role, having just finished the exact term that he is about to serve. Mathewson noted that Vice President Future Mathewson would probably fill the role in name only, since (as declared earlier) he needs no real running mate, and "going through that same crap again would be super boring".

Presidential Releases

Some controversy has arisen over the source of where campaign literature in Mathewson's 2008 presidential run is coming from. Unfortunately, as Mathewson has addressed all the campaign literature to the sender so he can avoid paying postage, the question still remains. Curiously, Mathewson addresses all of his campaign documents to:

Committee for the Advancement of Fags
c/o Jim Henson
1001 Douche Way
Los Angeles, CA 90001

Endorsements

Vladimir Putin, Prime Minister of Russia, who has endorsed Mathewson. Some Russian newspapers have alleged the two are brothers. Notice the fiery red eyes.

Mathewson was recently perturbed not to receive the endorsement of Vice President Dick Cheney, who instead went for John McCain. Previously Mathewson and Cheney had had a cordial relationship. Cheney, however, soured things when he recently remarked that "I generally follow the adage that thou shalt not speak ill of Fascists. But it's awful hard to do when there's ones like Harley P. Mathewson." Mathewson immediately declared Cheney a non-joiner, saying, "I hope he has another heart attack. No seriously. I wasn't being facetious there. I really do hope that he dies sometime soon. Like, theoretically, I would give someone ten thousand dollars if he died soon. Theoretically." On New Year's Day 2009, Mathewson again proclaimed that he had "theoretically" raised the "theoretical bounty, per se" to "Fifty thousand theoretical dollars."

Mathewson, did, however, receive the endorsement of Russian Prime Minister Vladimir "The Impaler" Putin—who, it should be said, bears a striking resemblance to Mathewson. Some Russian newspapers, in fact, have alleged they are half-brothers.

Role During the Obama Administration

Mathewson has not officially acknowledged if he will have any role in the new administration. Purportedly, Obama's "team of rivals" approach could entail bringing Mathewson in, despite his views diverging wildly from the president's. Who better, some have suggested, than a fascist immortal vampire with a thirst of the blood of non-joiners? Some have talked about creating a new position, "Joining Czar," or the difficult to pronounces "Jzar," while others have suggested Mathewson could be ambassador to Russia, Germany (his homeland), or Romania (given his intimate knowledge of Transylvania). Mathewson being mum on the issue—unusual for him—may indicate he is under consideration.

Other factors indicate that Mathewson may find his way onto the cabinet. One key constituency that some of Obama's team has noted are future voters—the pre-18 year-old crowd that has flocked to the "Twilight" movies. Even though Mathewson has expressed his disdain for the movie's portrayal of vampires, some key members of Obama's transition team have remarked that appointing an actual vampire to a cabinet post might ensure that, come 2012, Obama dominates among these vampire-loving high-schoolers.