Joinology
From JUOD
Joinology is the religious science of Mathewsonism. Joinologists believe that most questions about existence and the universe can be explained through rational and joinish means, and those that cannot have or will be answered by the religion's central figure, Harley P. Mathewson. The movement was founded by noted scientist Lowell Bizentine.
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Branches
Joinology is divided into three distinct branches, all of which have grown out of Bizentine's work: the most dominant, Joinological Selection, posits a specific, rational method for which a subject can be determined to be a joiner; the second, a form of Cryogenics, attempts to use various freezing methods to offset death, making use of various joinish things as part of the freezing process; and the third, which, controversially, builds off the work of Louis Agassiz, a mentor of Bizentine, is a variant of phrenology that instead posits the future can be predicted by certain individuals who have a precise ratio of forehead to nose size, called ForeNoseledge.
Joinological Selection
The Joinological Scientific Method
Unlike the traditional scientific method, Harley P. Mathewson's joinological method generally involves less experimenting. Like the traditional scientific method, however, it generally relies on observation. Yet the stages of what Mathewson devised in a chapter of The Verities of Joining seem to indicate more a Choose-You-Own-Adventure novel, with Mathewson doing all the choosing. The steps are:
- Does the subject seem to join? If yes, proceed to (2); If no, proceed to 1(a);
- (a) Does the subject have healthy blood? If yes, proceed to (b)
- (b) Subject is ripe for death.
- Does subject really seem to join? If yes, proceed to 3; if no proceed to 2(a)
- (a) Does the subject have healthy blood? If yes, proceed to (b)
- (b) Subject is ripe for death.
- Are you sure subject really seems to join? Like really really sure? If yes, proceed to 4; if no proceed to (a)
- (a) Does the subject have healthy blood? If yes, proceed to (b)
- (b) Subject is ripe for death.
- Okay, fine, subject is a joiner.
Cryogenics
In 1966 Bizentine founded the Extension of Life Forever Society (ELFS), which researched and promoted the use of cryogenics. Their initial experiments, headquartered somewhere near the North Pole, were successful, though only for pizzas. Not long after this, Bizentine met an ailing Walt Disney—who had just gotten news that a tumor in his lung was going to kill him—and together they decided to freeze his body. Disney was adamant about putting the frozen locker at the end of the a future ride, so it could pop out and scare children, but Bizentine and Disney's wife convinced him otherwise. However, when Disney collapsed in his home and actually died, he was cremated—the wife had reneged on Bizentine's and Disney's deal. Frustrated, Bizentine circulated rumors for years afterward that Disney had actually been frozen, causing the urban legend to spread.
When Bizentine and his ELFS actually did first freeze a man, disaster struck. Their first subject, a psychology professor, was successfully frozen in 1967. Unfortunately, when the professor, as all other subjects—there have been seven others—are unfrozen, they become hideously murderous versions of themselves. This has caused the deaths of countless lab technicians and biology graduate students. Prepared for this outcome, Bizentine built himself an escape pod.
