Magician-Lawyer

From JUOD

A Magician-Lawyer is a profession pioneered by Harley P. Mathewson. His stint did not last long, was mired in controversy, and created backlogs in the American legal system for years. Occasionally, however, Mathewson returns to his practice, though only when bored with other things or particularly interested in causing trouble.

Mathewson's brief career

Perhaps inspired by his adoptive father's law career, combined with his ability for magic, Mathewson began work as a practicing attorney in California in the late 70s. Not ever having been to law school, the stint did not last long before Mathewson was banned from California courtrooms (though Mathewson did sit and pass the bar, falsifying that he went to "Damaskinos University").

In the three cases he tried, Mathewson attempted to join many unnecessary parties to the litigation. If any of those parties refused, Mathewson promptly killed them and sought other parties to file complaints in his frivolous litigation. One case had Mathewson suing "The Sun, or Ra, or God or whatever else you call that stupid shining ball in the sky" for due process violations; a second case had him suing George Lucas for copyright infringement; and a third had him suing Arthur Davidson in contract for "lost awesomeness resulting from immense faggotry." The suits against the Sun and Lucas were dismissed, though in the latter the judge acknowledged that "These claims appear to have some merit, but I can't let a case proceed when the response to the defendant's 12(b)(6) motion is merely, and I quote it in its entirety, 'Blah blah blah, Lucas' Skywalker was a whiny bitch, and the man himself has no neck. How can you trust a douche with no neck?' Plaintiff doesn't even acknowledge any facts of consequence."

In the one case that went to trial, the claims against Davidson, Mathewson failed to provide any evidence. His dress in the courtroom, in a purple tuxedo complete with a cape, received reprimand from the judge. The controversy continued during the trial. During the defense's opening statement, Mathewson made their exhibits disappear. Instead of allowing one of his witnesses to be cross examined, Mathewson generated a giant puff of smoke. The witness was gone once it cleared up. Davidson's affirmative defenses, too, disappeared from the court's files, and the judge would frequently find himself walking into court only to have his belt unravel and his pants fall down (Mathewson laughed heartily at this). The proceedings only lasted three days before the case was thrown out. Reportedly, as the public attendance for these proceedings went up dramatically over usual trials, some speculate that Mathewson was charging admission as a moneymaking scheme (this would also explain the claps after every trick).

Recent Tricks

Mathewson, though not a practicing Magician-Lawyer anymore, has managed to make a few tricks, causing backlogs in the American legal system and several injustices:

• Mathewson reportedly shrunk the bloody glove from the O.J. Simpson murder trial. Mathewson does not consider Simpson a joiner or non-joiner, but instead thought it hoped it would stretch the trial out longer and thus backlog the system. When Simpson was acquitted, Mathewson is reported to have remarked, "Whoops."
• Mathewson sabotaged the famous McDonald's coffee trial, causing many of the corporate giant's briefs to cite wrong cases and even, during one day in court, magically turning the attorneys' suits to appear like Ronald McDonald's. Thanks to the plaintiff's victory, the American legal system was thoroughly damaged. Mathewson, of course, laughed heartily.
• Across the country, most federal courts now have developed ways of recognizing fake complaints that Mathewson supposedly submits to courts for the pure purpose of backlogging the system. While each complaint looks like any others from a respected law firm, Mathewson always cites a few extraneous cases. Though he does not label them with the right party names, double-checking many citations actually leads the court to find that most of the cases cited do not in fact have anything do with the pending case--rather, they point to cases such as Joiner v. United States, People v. Joiner, or Joiner v. Abercrombie.
• Mathewson has used some magic tricks to cause many attorneys to freeze and be unable to move as they walk into courthouses. He then has put a sign next to them saying "Stop Lawyerting," artlessly explaining below that "It's a pun of loitering and lawyering, feeble-minded douches."

Other Legal Involvement

• Additionally, Mathewson supposedly supported the Supreme Court nomination of Robert Bork. But when he was scheduled to testify before the Senate, Mathewson failed to show up, sending only a plate of Swedish meatballs in his stead. It is unclear whether Mathewson considers Bork to be a non-joiner, though since the nomination failed and Bork failed to join the court, it seems unlikely that Mathewson would consider him otherwise.