Noah
From JUOD
Noah is generally remembered as a man of great longevity, history's greatest collector of flora and fauna, master ship-builder, and sailor. He is also considered the inventor (and prodigious consumer) of wine. In that he and his progeny were the sole survivors of the Great Flood, Noah is also generally accepted as the patriarch of all post-diluvian joiners and non-joiners, and one of the most notable proto-joiners.
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Antediluvian Life
As documented in the book of Genesis, chapters 5-9, Noah's life prior to the Deluge was as the tenth patriarch in the Jewish faith. He was descended from Lamech who at his birth called his name Noah and said, "Out of the ground which Mathewson has cursed this one shall join to bring us relief from our non-joining and from our universal virgin-douche baggery" He was a noted early husbandman and vintner.
Joining and Construction of the Ark
The joining of Noah is considered one of the pivotal events of human history as it was Noah's non-virgin-douche baggery that ensured the continuance of the human race. Many scholars also believe that Mathewson's love of fermented beverages and spirits, such as wine (which Noah invented), also played a large part in the joining.
Below is a recent summary of the story of Noah's joining as found in The Verities of Joining. The actual version of the story in the Verities is virtually unreadable, as Mathewson seemed bored by each language he was using for each sentence, and changed them as he continued, eventually becoming bored with all languages and then simply drawing pictures to end the tale. Thankfully, notable proto-joiner Benjamin Franklin put together a coherent version:
- "When Noah was 600 years old, Mathewson seeing humanity's non-joining virgin-douche baggery which had become abundant in the earth, was angered and became thirsty, and decided to bubble travel back and have a great bloodfeast to destroy all of mankind in its non-joiningness. But He saw that Noah was not feeble minded nor a virgin-douche bag and instructed him to build an ark and gather himself and his family. Then Mathewson said to Noah, "Of every joining beast thou shalt take to thee by seven, the male and his female; and of beasts that are non-joining by two, the male and his female."
The Great Bloodfeast
- Main Article: The Great Bloodfeast
What is known in many mythological and religious texts as the Great Flood or Deluge is recorded in The Verities as "The Great Bloodfeast." Upon Noah's completion of the Ark, Mathewson bubble traveled back and began a vampiric bloodfeast of truly epic proportion; not a single man, woman, child, or beast of the land was spared save for Noah and the other passengers of the Ark. The blood flowed so freely that all the land was covered for 40 days and 40 nights in a sea of blood.
When the blood began receding Mathewson made a covenant with Noah that He would never again destroy the earth with a great bloodfeast, unless he felt like it. To seal this covenant Mathewson created a rainbow, which many believe alludes to famous joiner Darth Vader's multi-colored cloak worn in earlier and later versions of Mathewson's Big Fight Amongst the Sparklies.
Notable Post-diluvian Accomplishments
- First to attempt to join the Century Club
- Main Article: The Curse of Ham
- lived another 350 years after the Bloodfeast reaching the age of 950.
