The Great Bloodfeast
From JUOD
The Great Bloodfeast (ca. 3000 BC) was the greatest per capita implementation of certain death for non-joiners in the history of the world. The vampiric glut of Harley P. Mathewson that is often confused in other mythologies and religions as The Great Flood or Deluge, was in fact the greatest attempt to remove non-joining virgin-douche baggery from the face of the earth forever.
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Antediluvian Period
In the time before the blood flood, the world population fell deeper and deeper into non-joining behavior. During a long-weekend trip to The End of Time Mathewson became aware of how bad things were and decided to time travel back to deal with the problem.
Noah
- Main article: Noah
Upon arriving in the time of Genesis, Mathewson saw that Noah was a man who was clearly not of feeble mind and made really good wine. For these reasons Mathewson spared Noah. After his feast, Mathewson made a covenant with Noah.
The Bloodfeast
When Mathewson began his feast his appetite was insatiable. Mathewson had planned on transforming his victims into orange Jell-O, until he discovered to his great dismay that modern refrigeration did not yet exist. Knowing that without refrigeration the Jell-O would not stay set, Mathewson had no choice but to consume in a slightly more vampiric fashion.
After consuming several hundred thousand non-joiners, Mathewson grew bored of swallowing and soon the world was covered in a sea of blood. The feast lasted for a full 40 days and 40 nights. After this time Mathewson decided he really felt like a Tic Tac, so he made a non-binding covenant with Noah before returning to the future. On his way back to the future he made several stops to slay the various inventors of modern refrigeration for not inventing it much earlier. This came to be known as the Cold-blooded Massacre.
Timeline Controversy
Due to the fact that The Great Bloodfeast (in linear time) occurred in pre-history, there has been an ongoing debate as to the actual date of the feast. Most scholars agree that it likely occurred in the 3rd or 4th centuries BC.
