The Morbidly Obese

From JUOD

The morbidly obese, or, as Harley P. Mathewson has termed them, "morbids," were recently pronounced non-joiners in a campaign speech during Mathewson's 2008 presidential campaign. In a campaign stop at a local McDonald's, Mathewson blasted the extremely overweight. "Since they are morbidly overweight, they are near death," Mathewson said. "And it follows that if they're near death, they are near not-joining. Thus they have expressed their desire not to join by their tremendously large, elastic waistbands." He then killed several of the fattest onlookers, stuffing enough Big Mac's in one's throat to kill her instantly.

As A Campaign Issue

Soon after the incident at the McDonald's, Mathewson stopped off at autoworker's union in Detroit to announce his new energy platform. After again lambasting the morbidly obese for not joining, Mathewson declared a use for them:

The solution to our energy crisis is not wind or solar power. And it's especially not solar power. God I hate solar power. What a waste of time. Anyway, the solution to our energy woes lies in those of us with their own giant, fried woes! It is for those crying into their pizzas and iced creams! It lies in the morbidly obese! I propose a large research funding funneling fat from their grotesque bodies and running our automobiles from them! Forced liposuction for all the morbidly obese! Those that choose not to embark on this choose, by virtue of continuing to be morbidly obese, death! Death! Death! Death! War on the morbidly obese! War! War! War!

After the speech, an angry mob filled with Mathewson supporters flocked to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and burned it to the ground. They then proceeded to a local Sam's Club and rounded up several Rascal Morbids, drowning them helplessly in the largest tubs of Mayonnaise they could find.

Merciful Mathewson?

Many in the media have found it quite surprising that Mathewson would actually allow some of the morbidly obese to live if they underwent forced liposuction. Campaign advisers for Mathewson, however, have confirmed, on the condition of anonymity, that Mathewson would just have the morbidly obese killed after the liposuction process anyway.

Classifications

A "berlin" morbid being transported after the walls of his house were taken down. The "thumbs up" was apparently in response to the driver of the truck asking him if he wanted to stop at Taco Bell on the way to the hospital. (right)

A "rascal" morbid with a sour look on her face, making her way to a frivolous law suit. Mathewson has stated, if he were president, that he would reform the law to not allow suits by anyone weighing more than 350 pounds.(right)

A typical "segmented" morbid child. (right)

Mathewson's speech also classified the morbidly obese into a variety of categories, for "easier pronouncement of death." He ended his speech by noting that the below list of morbid types didn't represent any form of hierarchy, as all morbids acquire equal status as non-joiners on becoming morbidly obese.

Species

• "Berlin" Morbids: morbids so fat that walls must come down from their house in order to get them out (also called "Airlift" morbids in some circles).
• "Fruit" Morbids: they wear solid colors and are circular in shape, thus making them resemble many fruits.
• "Melty" Morbids: their fat is concentrated toward the lower half of their body, so that they resemble a person who has begun to melt. These, along with fruit morbids, are the most common.
• "Floaty" Morbids: unlike "melty" morbids, their fat is concentrated in the upper half of their body, so that they resemble a hot air balloon ready to take flight. This variety is somewhat rare.
• "Rascal" Morbids: they use Rascal scooters or other wheeled transportation to shuffle around drug stores, and usually have a sour look on their face.
• "Segmented" Morbids: these morbids have arms and legs that appear like a string of sausages, as they narrow toward the joints but then bulge out in fatty limbs. These morbids also bear a striking resemblance to worms, and often have similar personalities.
• "Elephant Man" Morbids: morbids possessing such a corpulent physique that they have acquired a resemblance to the Elephant Man's physical deformities. These morbids are usually bedridden and on the fast-track to achieving "Berlin" morbid status. Often, also, they have large, untreated tumors.
• "Orca" Morbids: like the "Fruit" variety, Orcas wear solid colors, except they stick to greys, navies and blacks, hoping in vain it will make them look slimmer. Often these morbids get stuck in seats and between barriers, making them moan and struggle, much like a beached whale.

Subspecies

• "Fruit" Morbids come in several varieties, according to which solid color and tightly fitting clothes they prefer. The most common are '"blueberry" (resembling Violet from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"), "orange", cherry", "sour apple" and "grape".
• "Chocolate chip" morbids are a somewhat more exotic variety as well. These morbids are found wearing either dark clothes or dark skin, and are instantly recognizable for their Hershey-like appearance.
• "Four Wheeler" Morbids: a variety of Rascal morbids (they also known as the "poor man's rascals"), these fatties can be seen wedged into a wheel chair. Because of their gargantuan size most cannot operate the wheel chair in the conventional manner with the arms and hands. Four Wheelers are reduced to "walking" in their wheel chairs. Their legs often have braces to reduce the massive amounts of swelling they would otherwise have.
• "Ham hock" Morbids are a variety of Melty Morbids, though they do not possess the general burnt-out candle appearance. Rather, their fat, while also conglomerating around their waists, concentrates on each cheek of their enormous rear ends. To a casual glance, their gluteus maximus muscles appear to be hyper developed--but in reality their butts have simply extended far out beyond their waists with blubber. These cheeks seem to resemble ham hocks. Often these morbids also have pig-like snout noses, or bloated cheeks, and they frequent buffets.

Hybrids

• "Pear" Morbids: a hybrid variety of the Melty and Fruity varieties, they are shaped just like the fruit.
• "Bulgy" Morbids: A hybrid of Floaty and Melty morbids, these morbids were just recently discovered waddling out of USA Steak Buffet. Their fat is unevenly distributed, predominating neither toward the top nor bottom. Often, such as the speciment recently sighted, their fat conglomerates on their upper or lower back, as well as calfs or thighs, making random parts of their body appear to "bulge" beyond the rest of their otherwise corpulent physiques. Many times they can be mistaken for being a humpback or pregnant with sextuplets.

In Pop Culture

In some parts of the US, young joiners have also adopted the slang term "morby" (pl. "morbies") to refer to morbids. For example, "That buffet line has enough morbies to sink an aircraft carrier." The musical group and noted joiners The Odd Jews (a play on the pronunciation of the Join Us or Die acronym, as well as making reference to the fact that all members of the group are weird, dyslexic and Jewish) used the slang term for a recent hit single "Night at the Steak Buffet":

So I stepped up to the buffet, and what did I see?
Got like five giant morbies a-waiting for me.
A fruit was swimming in a buncha ranch dressing,
Three melties had a chocolate cake they was caressing.
When the last floaty, man, was drinking mayonnaise,
I knew this buffet line was gonna take days.