The Verities of Joining
From JUOD
The Verities of Joining are a series of poetic novellas written by Harley P. Mathewson. The full name of the series is:
The Verities of Joining: Figures & Texts Concerning & Relating the Awful Consequences, Both Untimely & Unfortunate, of a Death Most Obscene & Obscure, as a Result of Not Joining & of Ignoring & Disregarding the Verities of Joining
Contents |
History
Mathewson began his masterpiece at the age of seven. He originally wanted to title it simply "The," as a testament to the elegance and simplicity of his message. However, his publisher refused to print a title so short. After killing more than 40 publishers, Mathewson inexplicably changed his mind about the title. Historians note that Mathewson's manner of speaking became increasingly wordy, and he developed a fascination with ampersands during his adolescent years; this is most likely the cause of the change. In the early 1900s, anthropologists in Romania uncovered several dozen college-ruled notebooks filled entirely with ampersands, which match Mathewson's handwriting.
The original TVOJ was printed in a very limited run (most scholars estimate less than 20 copies), and as such these rare copies are considered very valuable among collectors. The second run—the English edition printed in the 1930s—is also considered valuable. Numerous cheap knock-offs and bootlegs were made in China shortly after the second edition; these are quite common and often appear in antique shops. They are easily distinguished from the genuine version by the frequent spelling errors made by the Chinese bootleg artists, such as transposing the O and I in "join" (Jion Us Or Die). Mathewson was an excellent speller.
Recently, certain organizations, JUOD included, have taken up the task of attempting to gather and preserve as many of the original printings as possible. Many manuscript copies are known to be in the possession of the ominous Doomsday Group.
Translations
The Verities of Joining is a quasi-polyglot hypertome; it was originally written in a combination of languages, sometimes repetitive, sometimes supplementary to each other, and in a few instances, outright contradictory. Volumes I–III were originally written in Upper Prussian, and Volumes IV–V in English. Beginning with Volume VI, Mathewson used New Canadianese almost exclusively, with the exception of Volumes IX (contains names and numerals), X (English), XVI (English), and XVII (inexplicably, Japanese).
Because so much of TVOJ was only in New Canadianese, and therefore indecipherable by linguists of the time, it was not until Mathewson himself translated the Verities in 1889 that the majority of volumes became comprehensible to the general populace. Mathewson translated TVOJ into these three languages in order to found the Church of Mathewson: English, Arabic, and an archaic ("King James") version of English. Mathewson himself did not speak Arabic, and the archaic English translation was based upon the modern English one. For these reasons, the modern English translation is considered to be the source of canon for academic purposes, and is the only version officially endorsed by JUOD.
Criticism
Though experts who have read portions largely regard it to be a literary masterpiece, Mathewson himself became incredibly disgusted with his own work immediately after completing it. He is quoted as saying "Sometimes you have to take a dump just to get it out of your system. And sometimes that dump is pretty good, so it gets printed and bound. But it's still shit in the end." Due to its extreme scarcity, and the general malaise with which Mathewson handled its distribution, many volumes of TVOJ are either very rare, and still others have no known copies in existence.
Role in Folklore and Legends
Traditional Australian folklore states that if a person were ever able to collect all of the novellas in one place and read them aloud, he or she would gain the ability to fly. The basis for this legend is a complete mystery. Since many of the original printings have been lost, and even the exact number of volumes in the series is unknown, it is unlikely the claim will ever be tested.
Volumes
This is the most current list volumes of TVOJ known to exist. To be eligible for this list, a physical copy of a volume, or evidence in an official record of Mathewson himself must be documented. Not all discovered volumes listed here are actually in JUOD's possession.
I. A Preface to Joining
II. The Firmament Whereupon We Join
III. Death Lays Waste
IV. Here to the Proposition
V. From the Proposition Back Here Again (But Let's Take a Different Route This Time to Mix Things Up)
VI. (Untitled)
VII. Volume Eight
VIII. To Each His Own, and To Everyone Else, Death
IX. Some Phone Numbers and Birthdays
X. (Untitled; appears to be Mathewson's grocery list)
XI. The McGarnicle Factor
XII. Every Man Has a Price (And I Bought You For Twenty Dollars Canadian)
XIII. On Virgin-Douche Bags
(Volume XIV is missing)
XV. Hoopla, Shim-Sham & Gobbledygook
XVI. Words That Rhyme with Penis
XVII. The Day of Reckoning
XVIII. What a Bunch of Whores
XIX. The Day of Reckoning, Part 2
XX. On Pants
(Volumes XXI through XXIII are missing)
XXIV. On the Nature of Pancakes
XXV. Has Anybody Seen My Keys
XXVI. Seriously, I Need To Go And I Can't Find Them
XXVII. Wait, Nevermind, They Are In My Coat Pocket
XXVIII. The Leviathan Chronicles, Part 1
XXIX. Pearls Before Swine, and Lions above all
XXX. The Leviathan Chronicles, Part 2
XXXI. The Leviathan Chronicles, Part 3
XXXII. Every Day a Little Better Than You
XXXII+I/III. I Know a Secret & I Want to Shout It from a Mountain Top, but Since I'm Stuck in a Spiny Coccoon I'll Simply Write About It & Share It with Someone Later
XXXIII. To Infinity, and Beyond
See Also
- The Verities of the Verities of Joining, a commentary on the Verities.
- The Vagaries of Joining, a counter-treatise written by notable non-joiner Luther Looshtag.
