Time Travel Theory

From JUOD

The Time Travel Theory is used to explain Pre-Mathewson Joining. The theory suggests that Harley P. Mathewson created and operated his own time machine at some point, in order to retroactively influence joiners. Proponents of the Time Travel Theory consider Proto-joiners to be true joiners.

This is how many believe Mathewson's time machine probably appeared.

Another visualization of how some argue Mathewson travels through time. They argue that he steps into these portals of light.

Origin of Mathewson's Time Machine

The origin of Harley P. Mathewson's time machine is highly disputed and considered by many to be the second greatest mystery in the universe. In fact, Mathewson himself declared it to be such in Volume XXXII+I/III of The Verities of Joining, which was ironically titled I Know a Secret & I Want to Shout It from a Mountain Top, but Since I'm Stuck in a Spiny Cocoon I'll Simply Write About It & Share It with Someone Later. The relevant text is:

The origin of my time machine is so mysterious, that God himself knows not of its truth. It is the second greatest mystery in the universe.

There are many theories as to how Mathewson acquired his time machine; below are some of the more popular ones.

• Mathewson engraved into Stone Henge on August 3, 1973 at 7:24pm GMT a message to the future that read "Hey future people, I'm hot, 13, and ready for action! Meet me here on August 3, 1973 at 7:31 pm GMT and let the fun begin!!!lol" Precisely eleven minutes later, a pedophile from the future appeared. Mathewson then demanded his time machine and declared the pedophile a non-joiner. Seeing no reason to keep the pedophile from the future alive, Mathewson smashed his head in with a frying pan.

• Mathewson purchased a Superman watch at Universal Studios Orlando and while setting the time back to account for daylight savings, spun the watch arms so fast that time moved backwards. Mathewson later used this watch to travel as far back as 20,017 B.C.

• Mathewson has not yet acquired his time machine, but in 2300 A.D. he will receive it from a wise sage named Belthasar. This prediction is based primarily on Mathewson's own writings in The Day of Reckoning.

Expeditions

Many reports and stories have circulated of various travels Mathewson has taken via Time Travel, though none can be adequately and independently verified for accuracy, since Time Travel Theory itself is still in question. The purpose of these expeditions has mainly been for Mathewson's amusement; many of his trips entail traveling into the past with advanced technology to convince our ancestors of his godlike status or, conversely, to use highly advanced weapons to single-handedly defeat armies. On many of these trips he was joined by Huey Lewis.

The Extinction of the Dinosaurs

One Time Travel Theorist has recently conjectured that Mathewson may be responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs. He points to a passage in "The Verities of Joining," whereupon Mathewson expostulates on the relative merit of the "Dino Riders" cartoon: "Valorian earnestness have I perturbed / The dinosaur's brain boxes have been disturbed." The scholar speculates that Mathewson, a fan of the cartoon, attempted to make the cartoon a reality by fitting dinosaurs with lasers—and even nuclear devices. The destruction, then, the scholar claims, was caused either by an accidental or frustrated explosion of a giant nuclear device.

Mayan Adventure

The decline of the Mayan Civilization has long been one of history's greatest mysteries. A recent paper speculates that Mathewson, however, may have had a hand in their destruction. According to the paper, after seeing the movie "Apocalypto," Mathewson became immensely interested in meeting the Mayans, who appeared in the film to be a violent and ruthless people (he said the movie was "one of the funniest damn things out there, except of course when the news shows videos of starvation in Africa"). Upon arriving in Tikal, Mathewson found the city to be nothing like Gibson's movie. Angered, he traveled back to the present age, stole a tank, and returned. Posing as an emissary with another civilization, and meeting with the peaceful tribal leaders, Mathewson insulted them repeatedly until they threatened him with war. Mathewson, then piloted the tank and met a large contingent of Mayan troops, destroying the army quickly.

A few wall paintings on the walls of the Temple of the Great Jaguar, scholars insist, verify this. The picture shows a giant man sitting inside what appears to be a giant dragon, fire coming out of its nose and killing soldiers. The Mayans kept attacking, and after several battles admitted defeat. Mathewson, however, did not stop killing until he had thoroughly wiped out the civilization. Scholars are currently undergoing several archeological digs to find support for this theory.